So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
