Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
