Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
