we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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