Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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