arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
what day is it and did you see me today?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
