It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
