I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
