she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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