i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
