can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.