so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
