omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
