Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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