That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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