I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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