if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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