how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
