I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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