I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
