high people should be assigned attendants
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
