I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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