Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
