he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
