Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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