weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
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I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
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