just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
