so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
