Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
