I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
