Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
