It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
