we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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