we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
