So drunk its hurt
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
