Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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