i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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