Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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