Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
