Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
