I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
