I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
