I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
