i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
