how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
