If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
