i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
