She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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