I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
