if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
