my mouth tastes like poor choices
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
