Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
