he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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