if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
