I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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