Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
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Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
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You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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