So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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