I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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