Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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