R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
