he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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